Showing posts with label my life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my life. Show all posts

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Who am I?


Who am I?...

This is the name of a meditation technique given to the world by an enlightened master Ramana Maharshi. It is said that if you ask yourself this question many many times, you can get enlightened.

We often identify ourselves with the roles we play in this world: parenting, professional, belonging to a group or organization... People say, "I'm a Buddhist" and expect others to know right away what they are about. I used to  introduce myself as a stylist, and it felt very comfortable. I loved that role, since the profession is glamorous; it gives a sense of style, good taste, exclusivity.

Ever since I found my Love in life (both my Master and my Husband, pretty much at the same time), I'm not feeling myself as a role player anymore. Yes, I did some glamorous photo shoots before, but does it identify me as anything? Or does it make me look a certain way I want others to see me?

The last two years of my life I've mostly spent in seclusion, meditation in the company of my husband. He taught me real Love and Trust, he showed me the importance of moving forward, growing, and being humble about it. He gave me the gift of understanding what the Master does to his disciples and loving the Master unconditionally.

Growing up in a communist atheistic country with atheistic parents, I had no concept of discipleship. We lived in an aquarium where books about yoga were self-printed and distributed among trusting friends who wouldn't turn you in for illegal literature. Back then a book on yoga looked like a fancy, but deep inside I was attracted to it, not knowing why. I guess I liked everything unusual, even completely useless. I saw weird yoga postures and even tried some, but the interest wasn't long: other values were enforced. My parents were part of Soviet intelligentsia, smart but completely barren of spirituality and religiousness. They wanted their children to succeed as professionals and householders, nothing more than that.

When the iron curtain fell, I was studying English, Literature and History to get accepted to a prestigious Faculty of Foreign Languages at the local University, to become an enterpreter, to travel to foreign countries that I knew nothing about. I guess I always had that thing about me: even my own aunt used to call me "a foreigner", and my classmates predicted in one of creative assignments that I will live abroad. As a matter of fact, I never wanted to immigrate. In my University group I was the only one who didn't: even before graduation, I found a good job in the capital, had a very rich man by my side, and life was chocolate.

But soon something went wrong... our relationship exhausted itself, which was strongly blamed on me: I wasn't good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, muscular enough, ambitious enough, blah blah. I was constantly ridiculed for my looks, views, beliefs, desires and goals. I became a victim, a scapegoat, a beating pillow. It got so intolerable that I decided to run... By that time I was already in America (my partner had a business here, and i came with him).

I was one of the lucky ones who won the Green Card Lottery, so I decided to stay and pursue a styling career in the Big Apple to prove to myself and to others that I was actually worth something. The road was very bumpy, filled  with obstacles, betrayals, tears and loneliness: a standard New York story, nothing has changed since O'Henry! I learned a lot about people, became shrewd and very organized, fast-thinking, ambitious and cynical. I stopped trusting people and started relying only on myself.

I made some money and decided to travel a bit, and right at that time, 8 years ago, my brother invited me to Pune, India, to an ashram of some enlightened guy. Without hesitation, I packed my bags, ready for an adventure. And that's how I came to Osho.

He overwhelmed me at once: as soon as I heard his first discourse during an evening satsang, I knew that this person is special. Every word he was saying reverberated within me; I couldn't get enough!

Also, new experiences manifested themselves: I was so influenced by the Buddhafield, without knowing anything about Buddhafields, that weird magical things started happening: my heart opened, I was flying drunk  with energy, stoned without drugs, I felt happy like  never before! My shrewdness didn't matter, my cynicism receded and gave way to love and beauty, I became innocent again, I blossomed... And for the first time in my life i had a real meditation experience.

Then something tragic happened: walking to the morning meditation at 5.30 am, I was hit by the only car on the road that decided to drive on the wrong side of the street surpassing a motorcycle. I flew several feet and hit my head. I don't remember anything but people who saw what happened thought I wouldn't survive... I woke up in the hospital, to find out that mysteriously no bones were broken. It was the day of Osho's death... 
After 3 days in the hospital, i was dismissed with no complications, just a couple scratches and bruises. I continued dancing, flying, meditating...

Complications started when I came back home... I guess, the energy of the Buddhafield was protecting me, and when I came back to normal environment, all the nasty things emerged. Turned out I developed a delayed concussion and it was real, real bad! For a month I couldn't lift my head off the pillow and somehow had to manage myself since my family was still in Russia. When I started recovering, walking down to supermarket felt like running a 40-mile marathon: my heart was pounding, I felt suffocated. That was the time when meditation became the most deep and profound, when I learned to cherish life, when sunshine became a gift from god...

It took me a year to become normal again. I regained my physical abilities completely, but little by little, I forgot about meditation and got back to my New York life filled with wild parties and crazy call times at work, fashion shows and free liquor, sleepless nights and safe sex, shallow friendships and short relationships. It went on for several years until...
Something didn't feel right again! After yet another lame relationship, I started craving for a change, and had an instant urge to research Osho in New York. Coming to Osho Sadhana Center, I had absolutely no expectations, just readiness to meditate and change my life.  I guess, i finally ripened. And that's where I met my husband.

He was different from anyone I'd known before; I couldn't read him because his thoughts, behaviors and feelings were completely different from a typical New Yorker: his actions didn't come from a place of fear - he was filled with love, passion and compassion, and I was knocked off my feet. He was speaking to my heart, not my intelligence, he had nothing to hide... He taught me how to love, to trust, to feel good about myself and the world. He also taught me the importance of Master in our lives. That love brought me to the point where I decided to take sannyas...

Meditation and increased sensitivity brought veganism and environmental consciousness into my life. They also brought deep understanding of my connection to the Master and the importance to do Master's work. 
 I'm still struggling with anger, judgementalism, self-loathing and self-sabotaging at times, but they became just remnants of my painful past and stopped ruling my life.

If there is any one way to identify my husband and me now, that would be "We are Osho sannyasins", but most probably for the majority of Americans it won't sound right... In the recent past, this word combination has become almost offensive: due to Reagan propaganda and closed-mindedness of people who followed those lies, sannyasins in this country were perceived as irresponsible, swinging party people addicted to sex and drugs who worship a dangerous dead guru. So most people who were lucky to be in the presence of the Master, who knew how it really was, shut down and never showed their Mala in public. They kept living a normal American life, hungry for that same blossoming in a Buddhafield, until recently, when spiritual countries like Nepal and India exploded with Osho once again...

Due to  love and courage of very few close disciples who didn't hide, who didn't take off their malas, did not chicken out despite multiple life threats, Osho meditations, his books and discourses became popular again and gave people a new hope. His meditation centers started to pop up and attract new people. Those disciples brought a totally new meaning to the word "sannyasin": someone aware, pure at heart, passionate and brave. Someone who craves for a Buddhafield, not drugs. Someone who is ready to drop their past and dive into the new beautiful life without hesitation.
And I saw this person in my husband. His name is Swami Dhyan Saurav, which means "fragrance of meditation". This fragrance fills my existence, and makes my life a bliss. And I'm finally ready for the Unknown.